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Being Justin Bieber is no walk in the park

Is it just me, or is the news gradually becoming a running commentary on the wayward antics of Justin Bieber? Short of hiding down a well, it’s hard to avoid the onslaught of gossip about everyone’s favourite teenage egomaniac. But despite his irritating songs and frankly appalling sense of time-management, there is one thing can be said for Biebs; when it comes to nurturing the delirium of his followers with scandal after tedious scandal, he never fails to deliver. So here’s a quick run-down of the most irrelevant topics we’ve been forced to know about Canada’s finest:

The Outstanding Display of Tact

On visiting the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam, JB made a staggering demonstration of cultural insight by somehow managing to compare the famous Jewish diarist, who was killed in a concentration camp, and his hoards of deranged fans:

“Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.”

Having added Selena Gomez to his list of conquests, this surely makes the 19-year-old singer an authority on what constitutes a “great girl”. If only Bieber had been around in the 1940s to bestow his musical accomplishments upon the Nazi-occupied Netherlands, the auditory delights of My World 2.0 and Believe would have undoubtedly been exactly what the Frank family needed during their time in hiding. Why worry about the Gestapo when they could have spent their days pondering such captivating lyrics as:

Swag, swag, swag, on you.
Chillin’ by the fire while we eatin’ fondue.
I don’t know about me but I know about you.

As much as the world appreciates his sentiments, it might be best for everyone if he just sticks to singing about swag and teenage heartbreak, and updating his Twitter status.

The #Beastmode Torso

Now that the teen-dream has just about made it through puberty, it seems we have to deal with relentless photographic evidence of it, coming at us like projectile vomit. As if the hair-dos weren’t enough, suddenly all eyes are on his frequently exposed torso, now tastefully furnished with a growing number of dubious tattoos. Apparently, clothes aren’t even necessary in an airport. Yes Justin, you have clearly been hitting the gym. No, you do still look like a child. Put it away love, you’re no Vin Diesel.

The Dedication to His Beliebers

Wherever Bieber goes, he goes there two hours later than he’s meant to. After a less-than-punctual performance at the O2 caused an uproar, JB proved his maturity by doing exactly the same thing in Dubai, twice! If you ask me, when you insist on repeatedly making your paying fans stand in wait for hours, having promised to sing at them, you’re only going to encourage their sense of hysteria. Karma eventually came charging in his direction in the form of a crazed fan, stricken by Bieber-fever induced delirium. Instruments went flying as security tried in vain to prevent JB from coming into contact with a mere mortal, all to a chorus of horrified screams from female fans on the brink of spontaneous combustion.

The Suspicious Cigarette

We’re well aware that Justin Bieber is nothing short of a cultural maverick. He constantly questions society’s boundaries with his heroic actions which have included trying to take a live monkey through customs. So it was no surprise when he once again found himself at the centre of controversy, having been snapped smoking a questionable substance in what is thought to be the first known case of a teenager experimenting with drugs, ever. Following that, everyone started flapping when someone found some cannabis on his tour bus. But let’s not forget that Bieber is one of the most ground-breaking and innovative artists of the 21st century; if marijuana helps him to tap into his creative genius, who are we to judge?

Sadly, no one could have predicted the hash-tag epidemic that would follow. #cut4bieber began trending on Twitter in apparent effort to save Bieber from himself and dissuade him from such damaging habits. Horrifyingly, this involved fans posting pictures of their own self-inflicted injuries on the internet. But as an advocate for the attention-seeking juveniles of the world, and with nearly 39 million followers, at least Twitter provides a way for Justin to reach out to his army of desperate, confused adolescent fans. He is yet to comment, but rest-assured he still keeps everyone updated each time he manages to fit a gym session into his busy schedule. What a hero.

Images from: http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/01KQ1ccD1QM/maxresdefault.jpg  / http://thecount.com/wp-content/uploads/Justin-Bieber-shirtless-in-London-February-2013-640x822.jpg