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Marriage Is a Blessing but It Isn’t Everything
In a society obsessing with marriage and filled with few who understand its virtue and value, is marriage really everything?
I don’t need to tell you about the flurry of articles everywhere about marriage this year. We are almost certainly affected by the celebrity culture and the current baby and marriage boom. Articles are appearing in their droves on why women can’t get married or why we ought to want to get married.
Let me clarify that I’m no feminist, and far from it, as many who know me will tell you. I’m a simple traditionalist who takes my role and status from that which my faith, Islam, prescribes for me. This may be shocking to some, but that status is that my husband is the closest I should ever get to bowing in respect (something which Muslims do daily in their prayer to their Lord). For a Muslim woman, the status of her husband in her life is so high that it was said IF there were anyone other than God who a woman would have been obliged to show such a level of respect to – it would have been her husband. Many of you may suddenly think, ‘oh how typically oppressive’, and ‘unsurprisingly backwards’. Let me elaborate. I emphasise the if because the key tenet of Islam is that there is no one other than God to whom such respect is due, not even the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). A man does, however, have a great burden of responsibility to his wife and because of human psychology it is only natural that if someone willingly does everything for you, we naturally want to offer great respect and love to this individual. Isn’t that what love is?
As the famous 12th Century scholar Shaykh Abdul Qadir Al-Gilani described, a husband ‘must not eat, unless his wife has already eaten’. In relation to his dependents, he must be like a trusted agent and a servant, and like a slave with his master. When it comes to eating, he must adjust his diet to suit their tastes and not oblige them to follow his own appetite’.
Given that I am a big traditionalist and love romance, chivalry, and a gentlemanly character I almost certainly would choose marriage over being single . However, I’m not willing to be married to someone who won’t treat me as the above- for the sake of ‘being married alone’. Many people across international cultures argue regularly that we will never find our perfect man and we have to compromise. I have to admit I have wondered if I should also make such a compromise, because surely I have to get married.
The argument from many women today is that there just aren’t enough good, suitable men. So the question is, what makes a suitable man? For many of these women, and particularly Pakistani and Gulf women I’ve seen, there is an expectation that the man has to be someone who comes from the exact same cultural background and, to some extent, even the same ‘caste’. Recently, I was in conversation with a 36-year-old Pakistani friend who said that her parents had not only expected her to marry another doctor, but deemed her suggested candidate unsuitable because he was from a different village many centuries ago!
Now let’s just say we are open to all cultures and there simply isn’t anyone suitable: then what? What does Islam say about this? If you’ve read my first article on marriage I expound on the idea that marriage and bearing children is valued as one of the highest acts, and is a fundamental purpose of the creation of man and woman in their compatible forms. However, as I investigated further with several Islamic scholars, what I discovered was enlightening and quite frankly something I think more women need to know, especially those from cultures who consider marriage as the ‘be all and end all’.
Nowadays men and women are not quite what they used to be. People don’t appreciate the blessings, value and position of marriage. Men don’t realise the nature of the responsibility and position they have, and women don’t seem to realise the station of marriage. We also have the issue of women succeeding in higher education and entering skilled professions in much higher numbers, which is causing a mismatch. Some contemporary Islamic scholars now argue that in modern times the act of marriage may actually lead one to move further away from one’s faith. As many married couples will tell you marriage isn’t easy. Attending to another person and satisfying their desires while fulfilling your own duties and responsibilities can be difficult. Some argue then that these overwhelming responsibilities end up moving your attention and focus away from the pleasure of God, which is our ultimate duty. One of my Islamic Studies teachers said to me, ‘even though my husband has always provided the best for us there are times when he does something, which really upsets me. That moment I think that it is a blessing from God, a way for me to remember Him and not preoccupy myself with my husband all the time. It reminds me that he is not infallible, and only God is worthy of that unconditional love.’
So let’s not fixate on marriage as the sole purpose of our existence. Yes, it has great virtues, great pleasure, great reward and benefit, but if it doesn’t happen now we ought to redirect that attention in pursuit of greater goals like continuing learning, which is an obligation upon us. Perhaps we should look at how we can develop our relationship and intimacy with our Lord because that’s our ultimate purpose. We might just earn a partner of paradise and really live happily ever after.
Image from: http://marriagelifeministries.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/intimacy-and-the-christian-marriage.jpg
About the author
Romanna Bint Abubaker
Romanna Bint Abubaker is the CEO and founder of Qatar Consulting Group. She is also the founder of @ConciergeLon and @FundArena, which will soon be launching. She is an entrepreneur, barrister, banker, travel junkie, foodie and a big believer.
Romanna Bint Abubaker is the CEO and founder of Qatar Consulting Group. She is also the founder of @ConciergeLon and @FundArena, which will soon be launching. She is an entrepreneur, barrister, banker, travel junkie, foodie and a big believer.
7 Comments
PrinceVlad
No man or woman will ever meet your all your expectations, My wife was not the kind of woman I thought I would marry, But I could not ever forsee another woman to take her place in my heart, she was more then my expectations, as my expectations could not fathom her.
Like the poem says: to know her, is to love her.
I did not mean to come of harsh in my previous comment, if I did, I apologise.
Thank you
Romanna
Dear Prince Vlad, many thanks for taking the time to compose your comments. This is unfortunately an incident of the problems associated with;
1. The limitation of a limited word count.
2. The problem of taking things out of context. Context is key to understand most things in Islam.
My article must be read in conjunction with my previous article on marriage. Please see the link at the bottom of the page for this article, where I expand about the enormous beauty and blessing in a marriage and theIslamic requirement for it where possible.
Thus I do not disagree with you on the value or importance of the station of marriage in any way what so ever.
The point is merely in the context of exactly the reasons that you mention, we do not have people who are necessarily God-fearing or characters who were those at the time of the Prophet (pbuh). In this context marriage does often lead to a distraction rather than enhancing one’s religious values and general virtues. This is not always the case of course and where one does select by the right characteristics which you mention correctly one would hope that this would not be the case.
I am really only addressing the issue that many women I have met have made of marriage. They have got to the point at which they believe that this is the only important activity in their life, but forget that whilst marriage is a Sunnah, and the highest Sunnah, it is only a Sunnah, compare learning or acquiring knowledge, which is a Fard in comparison. So this article must really be read in reference to those individuals who place this importance on marriage to the detriment of obtaining knowledge or other forms of worship.
Also, my comment about skilled professionals is not in any way suggesting that a person choose another based on career or any characteristic other than that which as you again correctly identify we are directed to choose a partner on. However, the reality is that a five times Ph.D. or Masters graduate simply may not have enough in common with a individual who has chosen not to study to the same degree. Ourvcareers can occupy much of our time not necessarily correctly but the reality is that they do, and therefore it is important for us to find people who we feel we can relate to. Again not suggesting that this takes away from the religious and guidance on who we choose, but we just have to add the reality is that this mismatch is causing there to be more women unmarried and perhaps unable to find partners who they feel that they can connect with. This is not against Islam in choosing somebody who you can relate to in fact it is important that you feel a sense of connectivity with your partner as many contemporary scholars would state.
As for your question about men changing their tastes this comes from a paragraph from the discourses of sheikh Abdul QADIR Al JILANI, considered the greatest of Saints seen in Islam.
It is not suggesting a man change himself for a woman, but it is stating the importance of a man’s duty to take care of his wife for marriage is a heavy responsibility for a man. It is something very widely misunderstood by western and also many men particularly of Asian origin, who seem to forget the heavy responsibility upon them in marriage. I do not blame that much of this is because scholars in these regions have themselves failed to portray this example and discussed the importance of a man’s role in a marriage.
Again I will reiterate that I do not disagree with the importance, blessings and virtue of marriage. However, one has to be careful to not rely and consider marriage as the only focus of one’s life which in this society obsessed with marriage is becoming the case. Men and women need to pursue their obligation to gain knowledge and to learn and study in the time that may have when they are single, because inevitably wants one is married it does become more difficult for one to continue to pursue knowledge in the same way. The responsibilities of taking care of another and may Allah bless them with children, will of course lead to them not having as much time to focus on this very important obligation upon them.
I hope this clarifies and again I would really reiterate that you should perhaps read my previous article where I elaborate considerably on the beauty and fundamental nature of man and woman to desire marriage – which as my title makes clear is the first factor- that marriage and children of this marriage are a blessing.
PrinceVlad
Dear Romanna,
Thanks for your reply,
I see what you mean that marriage should not be the main focus, as a western man myself and knowing men raised in this region, No man thinks about marriage as the most important thing. You must be speaking from a womans point of view.
For you to say men are not of the standing as the men of before, that’s correct, but neither are the women, so that opinion has no basis. Sounds like you have some fairytale idea that a man is going to be perfect or that there is a perfect man, any honest man will attest to this, cinderella is a fairy tale. There is no perfect women also, I’m sorry but you need to wake up my friend,
Ais’sha would get angry with the prophet (pbh) does that mean that he did not know the way to treat women?
I still do not agree that you do not have time to study when you are married, as I have had no issues at all, my learning has increased and so has my wifes, if you want to, you make time.
Regarding the people who study a doctorate etc, really? can you be that vain and arrogant?
I do not believe that we know who the friends of Allah are, only Allah knows, but okay, QADIR Al JILANI if you/they say so…..
But all the best to you, I would suggest that you wake up and smell the coffee, if muslim women nowadays really think like this, no wonder they are not getting married.
My wife could be more different, maybe as she is of English decent, these fairytale musings did not affect her. Thank God.
Thank you for the reply again.
Continue studying.
All the best.
PrinceVlad
Sorry to continue, last time.
Anas said, “Three people came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, to ask about how the Prophet worshipped. When they were told, it was as if they thought it was little and said, ‘Where are we in relation to the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, who has been forgiven his past and future wrong actions?’” He said, “One of them said, ‘I will pray all of every night.’ Another said, ‘I will fast all the time and not break the fast.’ The other said, “I will withdraw from women and never marry.’ The Messenger of Allah came to them and said, ‘Are you the ones who said such-and-such? By Allah, I am the one among you with the most fear and awareness of Allah, but I fast and break the fast, I pray and I sleep, and I marry women. Whoever disdains my sunna is not with me.’”
That is the hadeeth, you should really read these hadeeths, “the one who disdains my sunnah is not of me” ponder upon that line.
There are different varriations of sunnah, some sunnah which is obligitory and some which are recommended etc.
Many Thanks.
Enjoyed reading your views, opened my eyes and scared me a little too. 
Marriage Is a Blessing but It Isnt Everything | muzmatch BLOG
[...] Image from: http://marriagelifeministries.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/intimacy-and-the-christian-marriage.jpg Source Article: http://www.the-platform.org.uk/2012/04/11/marriage-is-a-blessing-but-it-isn%E2%80%99t-everything/ [...]
imran
Romanna, great article! I couldn’t agree more with what you have said, the union of man and woman is paramount importance in fulfilling our faith, but not to neglect the just as important duties to ourselves and the world !
Nothing stronger than women with strong leadership and aspiration, the woman can take the man to higher places socially, psychologically and spiritually! Allahamdulliah
Dear Romanna,
“This world is just temporary conveniances, and the best comfort in this world is a righteous woman” (muslim)
As this is from an Islamic perspective, I will answer back from a Islamic perspective.
Your whole argument is flawed in its thinking in my opinion.
You say that it is not right that Muslims should choose specifically from their caste or nationality, but then you are saying that because someone is in a skilled profession, they are then not compatible with let say a flight attendant? Because one is skilled in a certain profession does not mean they are above another intellectually or cannot have any compatibility with someone from so supposedly less skilled profession.
As you are discussing this from an Islamic view then you should be placing all the relevant information on marriage.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter or other female relative under your care) to him, for if you do not do that there will be tribulation in the land and much corruption.”
Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; Ibn Maajah
You say that many contemporary scholars say that marriage leads many away from their faith, this may be as they are choosing partners for other purposes then religious commitment.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman are married for four things: for their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Marry the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4802; Muslim, 1466).
It was narrated that Thawbaan said O Messenger of Allaah, what kind of wealth should we acquire? He said: “Let one of you acquire a thankful heart, a tongue that remembers Allaah and a believing wife who will help him with regard to the Hereafter.” al-Tirmidhi (3094).
It is a well known fact that scholars who married early compared to scholars who married later in life had excelled much further in their studies, as the thought of finding a companion/partner was not on their mind, they could then focus more on their studies/religious education.
It’s not like men or women are not doing their groceries and worrying about how they are going to pay their next bill etc before marriage, so these factors are not relevant in your argument.
The main thing that would be an issue would be adapting to each other’s wants and needs.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: It was said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): Which of women is best? He said: “The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he tells her to do something, and does not disobey him with regard to herself or her wealth in a way that he dislikes.”
Narrated by al-Nasaa’i (3131)
You state how a man should be with his wife, that he should suit his appetite to his wife or wives
it seems like you are suggesting a man to change himself completely for his wife, does that sound right? I have not heard of this before.
A fruitful relationship is about compromising to each other likes and dislikes, you may like fish and he may hate it, but he eats it so you can have your favourite dish, he may like chicken and vice versa. Having all these frivolous expectations and watching too many Disney movies is what causes all these delusions of grandeur.
Your Islamic teacher says that “even though my husband does “all this good for me”, he still upsets me etc”, she has the wrong mentality in her relationship, no wonder she is moaning. She should be thinking he does all this good for ME, how can I ignore that! If she had any sense then she would discuss with her husband what upsets her or try to improve him etc rather than moaning. If her husband dies before her then she will always remember the good times, and miss him for it, then she will regret the times she was unhappy with him about minor things and vice versa.
Perception:
Appreciate what you have while you have it.
“…Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good” (Qur’an 4: 19)
Maybe you should quote the quranic verse to the teacher……
“Any woman who dies, and her husband is pleased with her, will enter paradise.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
There are all these blessings in marriage and from your article it seems that you are lowering the beauty of companionship, As it shows there are many virtues of marriage in Islam and one should not give up on the idea of it or lower it significance, as many people do improve in their worship of their Lord through marriage.
It may not be everything, yes
But it is the beginning of Everything.
“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect” (Qur’an 30: 21)