Dear Sirs in charge of the War Machine,
Since there have been louder murmurs of war with Iran recently, I wanted to whole heartedly endorse this line of action and offer the following indisputable reasons to take the necessary measures:
First of all, they too have beards. I’ve seen them, on TV no less, and considering recent policy towards bearded countries, it’s obvious that full-scale war is justified.
Secondly I have brought a HD TV of late and would love to watch the bombings and destruction of historic buildings and people’s homes in High-Def from live TV crews. Is it possible to make Michael Bay an honorary general for the campaign? Because I would love see a little more bangs for my buck and he directed the Transformers trilo-shit-ogy. I think more people would support the war if he was involved first-hand. Better still, see what James Cameron is up to – IRAN 3D: The Destruction, would make ratings soar and I would even buy a 3D TV for that; the economy will never have had it so good.
On top of that, think of the hilarious word play games we could have. Since the leader of the previous administration pronounced Iran as two very separate words, ‘I’ and ‘Ran’, the t-shirt industry will also receive a huge boost. After obliterating the country, Obama could stand in Tehran wearing a t-shirt that reads, ‘I run I-ran’. Oh, how we will laugh! And this will cater to those intellectuals who think war is savage – this will win them over – intellectuals like a bit of word play. Plus then we could wheel out the corpse of that Ahmed-John fella (if we don’t dump it in the sea first), and dress him in a t-shirt that says, ‘I ran I-ran’ which would be LOL LMFA ROFL all day long. Of course, some Muslims will go on about the sanctity of the dead, but you know some Muslims, they say one thing do another; just look at what they did to the body of G-Donald Daffi. If any of them get too uppety, just put on a really good IKEA sale as that always distracts them.
My final reason is the real one. See, Ahmed-John says he’s not up to anything with his enrichment schemes, but my mate swears down that his uncle’s cousin’s neighbour delivers groceries to his house, which includes a lot of green vegetables. See what’s going on? Green vegetables – GREEN – they make you strong. Do you see? He wants the nuclear power so he can turn himself into the Incredible Hulk – imagine that? Jihadi Hulk, I shudder at the thought. Invade now before he starts practicing ripping off his clothes and roaring.
Now, you might get some people becoming all Ned Flanders about this, so let’s be ready to ignore them, and in order to help I’ve come up with all the answers for you; just make sure this is broadcast on Fox TV and it’s as good as done. After all, no one wants a group to think for themselves more than Fox TV.
Also, let’s ignore the fact that none of the policy makers or their children will be sent out to fight on the front line, and screw South Park taking the piss in their first film with operation ‘get behind the darkies’. That was bang out of order, we all know it should really have been ‘operation get behind the poor’.
In addition, please ignore facts such as other powers in the region having nuclear weapons like we and so many other countries do. How dare they try and be like us, thinking they TOO want nuclear power?! (On this point though, couldn’t we just sell them one or two warheads, balance the budget a little, and pretend nothing happened? I thought American policy normally sold weapons to dictatorships so why the change of heart?)
Ignore also that hundreds of thousands of people will die, because we’ll only see them dead on TV. People see people dead on TV all the time (just ask that kid from The Sixth Sense), so what difference will a few more hundred thousand make?
Oh, don’t forget to ignore all those who go on about ‘lasting psychological effects on survivors’. I worked in a school where we got loads of Iraqi refugees, many of whose parents and other family members were killed in the last ‘war’. It doesn’t matter that those kids have had huge trouble adjusting at times and still carry psychological grievances – we’ve made loads of computer games where they can run around killing people too.
Lastly, but of course, not least, please ignore the fact that people will say our actions contravene international law – pffffft – let’s just change what ‘international’ means. We’ve redefined ‘torture’ as ‘enhanced interrogation’, ‘kidnap’ as ‘repatriation’, and ‘refugees’ as ‘asylum seekers’, so we can change ‘international’ to mean any damn thing we want. Like the man Philip K. Dick said, (boy, did he make some great movies), “If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who use the words“. So let’s just change ‘war’ to ‘pre-emptive defence’ and ‘atrocities’ to ‘oopsie daiseys.’
Let’s see Ahmed-John Bruce Banner find his way out of this.
Thanks for reading –
P.s. Please don’t let any of the missions coincide with Xtra-Factor or Breaking Bad- I ain’t missing them for nothing!
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